Why do I beat myself up

So most of my dear friends know what is going on. I'm going to spare the others the details. But basically DH and I are at a bit of a crossroads. Nothing to bad. Its mainly me. I just hate drama and it seems that once again drama has entered our lives. Its not his fault but at the same time it is. I tend to surround myself with good people. I have an awesome judge of character and can in just a few minutes of meeting someone tell you if they are a good person or not. About 99% of the time I'm right. If I don't find you to be a good person then I will choose not to hang out with you. DH on the other hand chooses to be nice and befriend everyone. It has bitten him in the ass way too many times but yet he still continues to give everyone a shot. There have been several times where someone has back stabbed him but yet he continues over and over to forgive them. I know that should be a good thing but at times when that character can be destructive to your family don't you think you should choose to not be friends with that person? Again its not his fault he didn't know his being kind was going to bite him in the ass but it did. And yeah its not his fault so why do I get mad at him and draw back from him? Shouldn't I be proud of that he befriends everyone and has such a big heart? Why is that the one thing I just cant stand about him and wish he would learn not to have? Why does everyone see that from him and use it against him? Most of all why do I let what they do bother me and I end up beating myself up about it?

Weekend blues

As a SAHM I don't get the day off b/c its Saturday. In fact I hate Saturdays. The park is crowded, DH could be home but he goes fishing, the roads are filled with other drivers, its just not fun. I remember before I had kids I loved Saturday. Even if I had to work, Saturday was my favorite day of all. Its funny how life changes. I never thought my life would change so drastic when I had kids. Yesterday I was asked what is a necessary luxury for me? Before I had kids I had a ton. I always had to have my nails and pedicures, I always had to go tan (even if it was an airbrush tan for a quick tan), always had my hair done, always always needed my expensive clothes and makeup. But now that I have kids I don't see a point. I don't have the time to go get my nails done, or get a tan, I don't have the energy to get up and spend 2 hours doing my hair and makeup. So if I cant do that then why do I need the expensive clothes? Saturdays use to be my day to do all that. I would get up and go work out come home shower go tan then get my nails done and then go shop. Now I'm lucky if I get out of my Pajamas. I get up do laundry all day clean the floors, scrub the toilets, change diapers, the closest I get to having my hair done is getting it ripped out by the boys. So while I listen to everyone else get excited about the upcoming weekend all I do is sigh and think "oh great Saturday"

Do you hear what I hear?

So this morning I took Tyler for his hearing test. He passed, but I'm not so sure I would have. Maybe its just getting over a cold but I'm not too sure I heard all the sounds coming from my right side. I have always had ear infections when I was a kid in fact I still get them as an adult more then I should. My right ear feels clogged lately since getting sick. (You know the feeling you get when on a plane). I have never had tubes in my ears b/c my mom did not see much point in it since my Uncle had tubes and still had many ear infections. Ear infections in my family is scary. My uncle Tommy passed away at the age of 29 due to Spinal Meningitis that was brought on by an ear infection that did not go away. So as you can see there is a very good reason to be paranoid. But living here in a small town in a new place I hate going to the Dr. Its not the Dr that I grew up with. He knows nothing about my history. I feel like I'm crying wolf all the time if I'm continuously going in for one reason or another. But I am a walking health hazard. I always joke about being a crack baby since something is always wrong with me. Well after Tyler's test I called my mom and joked that maybe something was wrong with my hearing. She then went on to say that she has had hearing problems (which I knew about) but the Dr's have told her that her hearing problems are hereditary. So maybe something is wrong with my hearing. Maybe I'm not paranoid. But if it is the same thing as my mom then that is just one more thing to add to my list of health issues. HMMM maybe I should interrogate my mom about this crack baby thing. (no that is a joke I know my mom didn't do any drugs when she was pregnant) She didn't ever even smoke or drink, which is more then I can say about my dad. But I do think its time I call the Dr and get my ear checked out before I cause any damage.

Where has the time gone?

I cant believe 7 years ago I was getting ready to graduate High School. Now I'm a wife and a mom of 2. I look at Jordan and think "where did my baby go", yet alone to look at Tyler. It seems like it was just yesterday I was finding out I was pregnant with Tyler. Actually to be honest it seems like it was just yesterday I was walking into high school for Govt and Econ class. And talking about the upcoming election between Bush and Gore. When was it that life started flying by? Will it ever slow down again? Before I know it Ill be watching my kids graduate from high school, then college, get married and have babies of their own. I don't want my babies to grow up, I don't want to grow up. I wish I could just freeze time to where it is now.

Cold Cold Go Away

I have been sick for over a week now. Its finally at the end of its course but now all I'm doing is coughing. Last night I felt so bad b/c I could tell it was getting on Mark's nerves but there was not much I could do about it. Both the boys are still sick too. All day long I'm chasing after them wiping their runny noses. I'm not even too sure where we caught this stupid thing. We went to Atlanta to visit my parents and no one was sick there, and when we got back the next day the boys were sick. I just hate it. I hate being sick. I want to take the boys outside to play since the weather has been so nice, but I don't want them out there sick. I just cant wait for this cold to finally be gone.

The Morning Rush

Being a SAHM is a job. I wake up get dressed just like everyone else who goes to work. The only difference is as soon as I step out of my bedroom my day has begun. First I go straight across the hall where I get Tyler out of his room for the day. He then runs and gets his little brother Jordan. Then its off for diaper changes. Soon after I'm in the kitchen making breakfast. I get to drink my coffee while the boys are sitting down eating breakfast. Then the rest of the day consists of following them around cleaning up after them. Sometimes I feel like a broken record "no Tyler", "no Jordan". You think by now they would get that they are not allowed to climb the fireplace or the counter tops, to stay away from the dishwasher, don't climb behind the washer and dryer. Yes my boys do all of that and even more. I sometimes think their goal in life is to drive me crazy. But as soon as I see their smile or hear their giggle I cant help but smile back and give them hugs and kisses. How can I not?